The Question That Changed My Life

And countless patients' health outcomes

I was 33 years old when I started practicing a a conventional primary care clinic. I had worked in complementary and alternative medicine for many years before that, but even with that experience and 6 years of medical training I felt inadequate- like I had something to prove.

I was single and didn’t have children, so I had plenty of time to take care of myself. And with the support of genetics and my love of fashion, I looked a lot younger than my age.

This may sound like a desirable thing- but when your a young, inexperienced, female. primary care provider, and you want patients to trust you, a youthful appearance is not helpful.

In my early days of practice I was so insecure- not because I wasn’t well prepared, but because I took the responsibility of caring for peoples’ health very seriously.

I was hired as a sub-specialist in integrative medicine within the conventional system at a time when things like meditation, dietary and lifestyle modifications were not yet mainstream. I was there to introduce something new- something that people didn’t know they needed- so my suggestions were not always welcomed. On numerous occasions patients got angry at me for recommending trying dietary changes before going on medication indefinitely or because I encouraged meditation as an alternative to the Xanax refill they wanted.

On one occasion, an older male patient was so offended by my recommendations that he stood up in my office and said “Are you even old enough to be a doctor”? I wonder if he would’ve dared to say that to a man, but that’s another post …

Comments like this were direct assaults on the little confidence I had.

On that day I contracted into my root chakra, and held on the one thing every primary care provider in the conventional setting can rely on … the standard of care- the data driven, evidence based gold standard. In conventional medicine, it doesn’t matter how much experience you do or don’t have, nobody can argue with the standard of care. As long as I stuck to that, I felt safe. confident and worthy of my title.

So I put on a mask, practiced the standard of care and acted as conventional as possible. I only deviated from convention in clinical situations where I felt extremely experienced, when I knew the alternatives worked and I was confident that I could do know harm. (Imagine if new coaches had this level of discernment- ha!).

I wrote those Xanax prescriptions, referred to specialists when I had effective lifestyle and botanical solutions right in front of me, gave people the thumbs up on normal lab results, even though I knew they would feel so much better if we took steps to optimize them. I became who I thought my patients and colleagues wanted me to be- a conventional primary care provider.

I was safe. My confidence grew. But my truth shrank. I abandoned myself. In those days, I was a lot of things- a naturopathic doctor, a family nurse practitioner, a massage therapist, a yoga instructor, a Reiki Master, a certified sex therapist, a trained clairvoyant, a birth doula, an herbalist, a mystic and more. I was anything BUT conventional.

I had an incredibly unique blend of training and experience- a one of a kind perspective, and I hid it under a mask … until one day a young woman asked me a question that changed the course of my career and life forever.